james y lee

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 03:59:34 GMT

for a couple weeks now i figured it would be best to work out early in the morning. that didn't till this morning. and for the last few breaks, i realize i break right before yoga day. that routine just takes up too much time.
aimed to sleep at 10 last night, ended to be bed at 11. half more hour of tv before manual shut off. woke up at what i thought was 440 am. it was 427am when i woke. did some online games and went right to yoga. cooked some breakfast afterwards and got to work by 830. never done that before. it was... refreshing. felt a lot of energy till i got hit with food coma right after lunch.. i napped for a bit till a manager rang the phone.

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 05:44:49 GMT

during the wedding last week, some guy walked up to me and called my name. i recognized him but couldn't remember his name.. maybe a minute more i would've probably. apparently i knew him from steve in buffalo.
the following day the landlord came over who bought over her younger son. the younger brother of a classmate (the other son) from my elementary school.. im sure ive seen him as a little kid before 20 odd years ago. he had a friend with him and she asked me if i was rich's friend. i did not recall her face before, til maybe 20 minutes later after she left.
it's happened quite often. ppl just walking up to me and recognizing me and i have no clue where i've met these ppl or if i even know them.
it's a strange feeling.

Thanksgiving

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 17:28:11 GMT

I am thankful for the new TV I have in the bedroom.
I am thankful for the roof over my head.
I am thankful for good work this month.

Thanksgiving was spent alone by choice. Could not ask for anything new.

My poker bankroll has been doing well for the last half year. +25% each month. should reach 10k as i intended by end of next year if it keeps up.

Still haven't gotten back to working out. It's something I really need.

Clay stuff haven't started again.

After the day of bad, it seemed like I was gonna do another set of wedding favors for another who I did not want to hear from. Haven't heard back from her, so I am good to go.

been spending 1.60 cents each work day on tea and milk and a bao. summer days are more. bought a canteen two weeks ago for 19 bux. here's hoping I save 15 bux a month by mixing my own beverage in the morning.

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 05:20:00 GMT

Tonight was one of those nights I wanted to cry but no tear would drop. It was a night for a friend and was happy for her. But it came with it everything else - memory i wanted to squash.
For days like this, I have a habit of reading my horoscope beforehand. I have my reasons for believing such crap:
Daily: Sometimes you love yourself so much you don't realize others love themselves more than they love you. IN spite of how you perceive it, you are not the center of the Universe. If you don't see that, today someone else will and you will probably miss a verybig opportunity.
Love: You've probably been thinking about this for a while now and you may be ready to make a decision - about settling down. That is, provided you've found someone as fun, fiery, and nonstop romantic as you happen to be. Oh, and don't worry about being rejected. When was the last time that happened by someone you rally felt a connection with?
Career : You may be busy teaming up with others to create a website, blog, or other online presence. As long as Jupiter is in Aquarius, you have luck on your side. It is worth putting time and effort into such projects. A New Moon in Scorpio makes this a great week to launch your own home-based business. You have a two-week window of opportunity that will help you get off to a good start. You feel invincible, so go for it.
Money: Mars is moving through your sign now, bringing even more fuel for your fire. You want to get out in the world, make your mark, and move on. But since transiting Mars is squaring Venus this week, it's important to cultivate your masculine and feminine traits together, especially when it comes to your home life and the world of your emotions. Meanwhile, Saturn is sextile Mercury by transit, breathing new life into your plans to communicate on a greater level. Thinking about writing a book?

I could not get the jist of most of that till now. I can't seem to run away from making poor choices in the past and today was no exception. Everything told me I should be going to the wedding, but I decided to skip out. It was a probably a bigger mistake i realize now than I can perceive. I will never know. Then comes dinner bumping into a few past memories not wanting to confront. Acquaintances - I move on.
It was 20-25 min walk to the restaurant. I thought I saw you in a car. I was listening to my Ipod. Later I realized it was you. I didn't expect you to be there. It was this close that you almost sat down next to me if someone else had not declined trading seats with you. Knowing how distant I already was, I'm already at the point of having totally nothing to converse with. Completely none. No tear.
I decided to walk home instead of waiting for the ride. Seemed a shorter walk back yet I was so flustered in the brain that it was till I got home I realized I had an Ipod that I did not listen to. It was one of those moments. I was the first to come home tonight. If I knew what was to happen tonight, I would've been at that wedding as well. I don't know for sure any more. Here's hoping your day turns out way better than mine.

Gonna watch the latest The Big Bang Theory s3e8. Aiming to get in a cheerier mood.

At the end of the day, I am alone.

On speed

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:33:34 GMT

since the last post... never found the three books. they were either not placed in the car by my roommate or I at all from Costco, or vanished in thin air from there to home.

my five week break from job is finally over. waiting currently for the boss to call to give me the work van.

lately, i say in the last few weeks, i find myself fired up when i look at pictures posted from various people, wedding stuff, couples, people hanging out, etc. i find it the only thing that gives a tiny bit of nudge. if i can only manage to get myself upset every day.

finally got the files my little cousin made for the new design to my website i asked her to do a few months ago. the main splash page was satisfying enough. knowing she went through spending her own time on it and probably cursing at me at the same time, she pulled through b/c i am family. much appreciated it. can't wait to add my photos to it.

clay wedding favors have been completed during my break up. completed until the quantity is upped by the customer. no more of these wedding favors. i can't profit enough from it if i can't up the price. have yet to compute the cost for this project ... hope to be finding out if i can get virtual dub to work right. i had videoed the whole process which i am counting on for time spent on the project.

the list goes on, mostly probably angry stuff. pushing it to hopeful. please don't fail me.

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 16:18:41 GMT

Seems harder I try not to feel sorry for myself, the worse it becomes.

Two days straight I've been waking up before noon. Feel even lazier with my free time and not making the best of these three weeks. Things aren't getting done as I had planned.

Went to Costco Friday for bbq stuff and found myself getting three books. One Jim Cramer book, one by a Christian pastor I've seen on TV, and a "writing better" book. Can't seem to find it, hopefully it was left at a spot I can't find at the moment.

Watching the Presidential speech last night... greed will never diminish within politics in the US.

The Eight Hours

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 15:50:45 GMT

Dreamed I was called back to work. Was waiting, was driving in circles, was missing turns, couldn't see the rear view mirror while driving, was falling asleep while driving.
Still sleeping at 2 and 3 in the morning. Dreaming does happen at the end of your sleep. At the end of a full sleep. Haven't had a dream in a long while. Makes sense my usual is 6 hours of sleep.

Lacking in a solid meal plan. I've ended up not making dinner for two nights now. The body is straining from working out with a lack of proper diet. That XO explode actually does give me a energy to complete a workout. Needs more protein. Hoping to get some large shrimp today.

It's a Day

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 06:37:48 GMT

Started the wedding favors today. 25 pairs of heads. Took a lot less time than I thought it would.
Workout continued.
Turtle tank cleaned.
Broke previous high for online poker at 500. next stop 650. Poker seems easier during the day. More donks maybe.

Still off on some focus ...
This clay project ... sux to be working on it but it should pay off when it is done. Even if it's for an hour or two. Hoping to get a bulk of it done before Saturday.

Just realized I haven't learned anything new today. bah.

Procrastination

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 06:07:20 GMT

List of things accomplished today:
- updated all EPS for all stocks on my list.
- did my Day 1 workout minus the abs.

jeez, not productive enough day.

Time for some good eats again. No more junk foods. :-( Shake helped, chicken dumplings did not help today.

stuff to do tomorrow. see how it goes
atm
protein powder, bars, recovery
lemons, veggies, fruits
EPS quarter counts
plyo

learned from last week: lemon not good for bad breaths.... hmm... and it's on my list.

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 03:04:00 GMT

My request for a 5week leave from work starting next week has been approved last night... 60% approved. I was asked if to split my days to a 3-week and then another 2-week some other time. Defeated the purpose of my initial thought to spend 5 continuous weeks to do that clay project, day trade staring at the screen most of the day, and poker all day.
Three weeks doesn't seem long enough to clear my lungs of paint and chemical fumes I've accumulated for the last three years. Again, this job will not last long.

off topic: the difference between overseas Asian girls and American born Asian girls - steroid milk.

Over Revved

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 04:16:32 GMT

Got off a little passed six. As I was driving home from the west side, I suddenly got pissed. Pissed at no one, not pissed at anything that had happened for the day.
I came straight home and started clearing my bedroom floor. I swept it. I popped in a dvd and started DAY 1 again of the work out program. This is now my third attempt. After doing 12 sets, I could not find myself to repeat the 12 sets. I had burned myself out. Instead of one full workout, I had only done half.
Then thoughts of everything that pissed me off started becoming clearer. I'm upset I haven't completed this workout program twice. I'm upset and many other things I have built myself up to accomplish and not finish it at all. I'm tired of dealing with myself. I had marked my last day of work out which was back in April. I've realized I've been in a rut for the last four months.
Things I've accomplished today:
- Email early this morning, something I do once a month
- Full work day, good enough for a 9 hour work day including 2 hours of driving.
- Half a work-out session.
- Cleaning out that turtle filter which I have been doing consistently every Monday, Wednesday, Friday for the last two weeks.
- Laundry, jeez I don't do it often enough. and folding them for a change and not doing it a week later.
- Played my daily does of poker - 100 hands of razz netting 5 bux
- Loading up a video
- Dling a bunch of videos
- Dled tomorrows IBD
and it's already past midnight.

upsetting that this will not keep up...

A Point Not Reaching

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 08:07:13 GMT

Tonight one of many wedding banquets for the year attended. Getting tired of them. I stayed till the bitter end as I do for half of these banquets so far. Not by choice. And I say bitter, bitter for me. If not 100%, it's damn close I can picture why. It's the spectacle of a point in life I cannot reach. Happy for those I've watched. Happy for those who I will see reaching that new stage.
On the same note, if only I can use the "religious types are the worst" against myself, I can last another day.

dreaming wake

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Wed, 13 May 2009 04:44:23 GMT

i've been so lost these days but heading in some direction i am not aware of. best i can describe it is gasping for water in the middle of a desert, still alive to crawl to look for water.

i dread these weddings more and more. i seem so out of place they all make me seem like i am standing still.

i seem to be sleeping better after flipping the mattress right side up.

sleeping wrong

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 03:57:20 GMT

so i spent some monies buying some metal racks and two oak boards (damn oak costs a bundle, but so sturdy) to lift my bed up. after spending hour and half putting everything together and flopping the two big pieces of my bed, i found it to be an eyesore. my bed was 30 inches higher. way too high. i then spent the next hour detaching the racks and lowering my bed by half way.
seems a waste for it to not be high enough for me to place stuff under it as planned.

while rearranging... i realized my tempur-pedic mattress was flipped the wrong way. i had been sleeping on the wrong side it seems for a long while now. dunno how i made that mistake; the sleeping side is so much softer. jeez. hope i sleep better now.

a whole night used up. getting behind on the work out program. getting home late enough times b/c of work has not been helping. best thing so far is not skipping any yoga days or plyo days.

thought of getting a car surfaced earlier this year. past two weeks the thought came up frequently, though the time is still not right. when the time comes, that stick shift car will bring me some happiness. hopefully.

started to jot down mini stuff i should be doing. small tasks that lead to bigger pictures. i've actually gotten to complete them that have been dragged on for ages.

materialistic

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 05:24:38 GMT

so this past Saturday, i assumed would be one of the worst bachelor parties i've been and will be at. not saying at all it was bad. just ranked lowest. what i got from this even the following day was feeling a lot less attached to everything around me - computer, tv, games, maybe even certain ppl i've miss or been upset at. it sounds very wrong if misunderstood. but what it is is things are what they are. materialistic. not that they have not been, but more materialistic to me than ever before. felt almost no dissapointment the whole day.

crossed off a few more things on the TO DO list, and added some more things i know needed to be done. i am kind of liking this idea of making a list. just so many things i should get done and this pushes me to finish them.
i had left my sheet on my table and as friends were on my comp, they decided to add "don't jerk off w/body lotion" onto my sheet. amusing indeed.

to jot down

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 14:29:50 GMT

there's things that happen that i feel somehow i should write down as i see it. a thought, a revelation, or whatever it is that should be noted. seems more like a chore than passion. just waking up an hour ago, i don't think i'm able to explain it any more.

first time this past week i made lunch for work... ever. at least one i know of.

been having strange dreams lately. starting the habit of sleeping early lately may be the cause of me having dreams. after all, most of them happen during the later parts of sleep.
i was killing creatures in one. it was dark and full of garbage. at first i thought they were mice, then it was frogs b/c they looked slimy.... then i realized they were black salamanders running about.. lots of them. something i can't even interpret.
this morning, i dreamed of someone that angered me. a bastard who i would want to see live on the streets with his family. i woke up briefly to piss at 6:57am only to fall back asleep with the same person in a different scenario. anger issues i still have a hard time controlling.

coming home early from work on friday, i took a nap that i should not have been taking but welcomed it. roommate woke me up with a phone call in which it was late enough for me having thoughts of skipping the day's workout. i cooked my dinner, and convinced myself to just "show up." glad i still continue to have some kind of focus. still one day behind. should be caught up by sunday's end.

another marriage coming. makes at least four so far this year.

following the flow to un-attach. it's so difficult.

been grabbing music left and right after purchasing that radio device for the ipod. able to find calm in different sounds. the uknown artists keens me up. Aly & AJ, Safetysuit, Paolo Nutini, Emiliana Torrini.... still attempting to grove into Diana Krall.. 12th album!?! and this new clarkson :-) mmm.

haven't signed on to AIM since monday up till a little earlier just now.

the TODO list

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 04:41:07 GMT

so a week or so ago i wrote down a TO DO list of things that needed to be done including "do taxes" and "return wedding invitations" X3. the list came out to be 20+ things. after knocking some down, more were added as i went along. safe to say i had given myself much mind focus for the past week. the TO DO list has been crossed off one by one. doubt i would not have gotten that many things done of they were written out. the p90x program has finally started again though i am now one day behind.
bought myself a paper shredder finally and started to get rid of paper work from the last 10 years that needed to be destroyed.

working out after ball on saturday was a first for me. if i can keep at it and finish this program on this second try, i'll gain something that i've been missing.

had some life revelations within the last month, waking me up to ask myself questions and finding solid answers. depressing answers yet i can live with it. it diminishes hope, increases success for goals.

eL rarely signs on any more for a good few weeks now. just a pop in and pop out once in a while. maybe it's a new alias taken. afraid to know why. still am not able to rid this attachment of thoughts of eL. though emotions have ran to a gallop.

finally took a day off on friday for some alone time after a half year. taking a vacation with this job is impossible. some times i wonder if things are suppose to happen at the time they were to happen. i've wondered if i had hopped onto this job a year later than i had, and staying at my old job ... just for one more year... if things would have been different.......
jealousy just watching friends around me plagues me. only a dash of jealousy... nothing of the raging sort.

tomorrow is another day.

Anew

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 06:00:00 GMT

Moving stuff out of my old place of almost 30 years forced me to look back at what my life had been. i didnt find it all to exciting. still have stuff to unpack and throw out, but that can take its time.

lately, prob two months, ive been being pretty lazy when it comes to cooking dinner and laundry. i do neither. nothing is moving me.

few days ago i looked up on youtube how to solve a rubik's cube. after five hours of work. i finally got it down pat. just solving it and not worrying bout speed.
tonight i found a way to alter my spreadsheets to log in stock data much more quickly. the alteration took me prob no more than an hour to work up. what took me 30 minutes to cut and paste should take me around a few minutes to record data. im surprised i never thought of this.
being asleep for the last few months, im rather enjoying these little breakthroughs. only if i can get myself to work out again. so far i can only get 1 day out of each week to move a muscle.
if i can find something new to do everyday, that should pass my time better.

last week i changed my desktop background to the color blue. ive read that the color brings out the creative side. hah. see how that works.

getting tired of work. talking to myself way too much. finally charging my ipod tonight after many months of no use. i need some sounds to block out many voices.

Spinning Around

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 16:35:01 GMT

i figure change would get me to write something for the last month. i figured it was laziness that stopped me till some time last week that i realized there has been change, just that i wasn't the one changing. i found that everything around me has just been spinning and revolving at some great speed like those videos where some person is standing in the middle of the screen and strobes of lights are flashing which way in the background.

my parents were moved into their new home in brooklyn at the end of last month. and since yesterday, everything has been cleaned out of chinatown creating a mess in my bedroom. found a mouse walking about in my room two nights ago which prompted me to clean up my stuff and leave the floors bare for if the mouse was to come again, it would have no place to hide for me to whack it.

had a strange dream last night where i "deleted" all my friends and decided to add them afresh one by one. can't absorb what that meant so i will leave it at that.

a thought just now - i probably been looking for my brain to be picked. it's been long over due.

Beyond

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 06:13:53 GMT

i finally added a friend on facebook. and then a post saying she is finally engaged. im sure down inside im happy for her. thus ends some chapter or at least a sentence in my life.

i bought a phone holder that loops around the belt a few weeks ago. i have it on my right front hip up till last week. my phone had been shutting off maybe from the frequent squatting for work. last week i changed the holder to my right back hip.
today after work as i walked back to the work van ready to go home, it was dark, i slipped on the iced slope and fell on my ass. the fall cracked the interior lcd screen.
i forgot the reason i initially intended to write. it had something to do with life. maybe my life in particular. some things are just meant to be broke. maybe that was it.

some ppl, you have their arm pulling them up to save them. they want to be saved, but they take no effort in pulling themselves up expecting to be pulled up miraculously. instead what ends is they drag you down.

lost in transition

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 05:09:19 GMT

for the past two months at least, i've had the radio in the work van tuned into 87.7 i haven't changed it much yet unless i go through the battery tunnel where the station doesn't pick up.
for the last week or so i've been planning to spend new year's eve alone this year. very far in thinking from a year ago.
while driving to manhattan - "roseland, teisto, new year's eve" on the radio. i wondered to myself if i could go to this alone as a choice. even with a friend i asked myself - "what's stopping me from going?" the more i thought about it throughout work, the more i feel lost on the topic.

while playing my daily poker dose, i find the promo for it on youtube for the bash. i find the site as well and the cheapest ticket is a 150 beans

stop the hurt, it's ouch.

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 05:01:53 GMT

the more i talk about it, the less i work on it.
mind is over-flooded with arrows pointing in three dimensions.
finally started and finished last month the "big fish eat little cat" table weight i owed my sister. just need to have pictures taken.
watched finally an episode of secret millionaire i believe it's called on fox tonight.

I'll most likely always be here, but you'll never need me.

Thankful for...

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 06:50:34 GMT

this thanksgiving might have been the worse one i've gone through.
i ended up coming back to brooklyn, went out to get burger king for my dinner, locked myself out b/c i had left my keys indoor, went to find my roommate who was at a relative's for dinner, didn't actually find the place but roommate found me to give me his keys, only to come home and find my other roommate had just gotten in.
it started out to be leaving to go visit my mother and clean up some stuff to be moved out. it turned out to be a disaster. i ate a few small bites of what was cooked, headed to my old bedroom, cleaned for maybe an hour or more and left for brooklyn. i did my best not to get upset at all, but the mother needs to push non-existent problems into a big deal. there's no easy way to ease things through.

this past week, i find there's no way for me to get things done unless i stay focused with some calm along with as much hate as i can muster up.

tonight was one of those nights i would want to bump into someone to save me. my karma has been drained. ill leave the little bit i have left to attempt some sleep.

Movement

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 17:55:21 GMT

woke up at 10 today. waking up late these days with work being almost dead.
was to head to the bank to deposit my paycheck for last month only to find roommate's car blocking the driveway. i undressed and went on to do every little thing that crossed my finger tips just to show some progress for the day. one thing led to another and i got things done.
started to clean the table, found the ipod that needed charging. check. found a month's worth of mail unopened. check. got me to check email which i dont do often. check. fantasy basketball. check. water bottles count. check. looked at cirs statement to check if it dropped. checkbook balanced. bah, i give up on listing. ive done good enough up to this point for now. table is cleared. less clutter. more room to think.
one important thing i got done was setting up a direct money transfer with scottrade so now i dont have to worry about mailing a big check. hope it works. time to get more to juice that account.

sister and i finally got her mother to sign a lease for the new place i found in brooklyn. rent starts in december. whats left to do for the next month or more to move stuff out of ctown. change is imminent.

lately i've been hearing from people who i hear from once in a long while to come hang out. for some reason i fear them. just weary of pulling my ass out of my room. very use to being a hermit. the brain has loosened up tho these days. ill take it in stride.

The End of Me

fuglymonkey@yahoo.com — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 03:12:23 GMT

almost every day, there's a chance to change my life around.
i have not changed.